In retrospect, I didn't use the right words to express myself (I'm not going for "the fat look", whatever that is) but my sentiments have in fact reached the point where I've progressed from not caring that I'm not skinny to actively not wanting to be skinny. I'm a practical person and will usually only conform to society's expectations if there are logical reasons for them (i.e. wearing a helmet when biking to protect your head, or wearing sunscreen) or if I like them (i.e. wearing mustard, because I like that colour). There's no logical reason to think skinny is better, so I'm now at the point where I actually do not want to lose weight, or even to hide my "problem areas" like my squidgy tummy. Very often a person's weight and fat distribution has little to do with their health, so I'm over thinking that it's a problem.
One of the things that made me realise I actually don't want to be skinny is that I'm one of those people who "shouldn't" wear skinny jeans. I'm short, have a big butt and thighs and incredibly short legs, so skinny jeans are meant to be a big no-no for me. But do you know what? I love how I look in my skinnies (the ones that come up over my hips, that is). I like emphasising my big bum. And sometimes I like to emphasise my boobs. And sometimes I like to wear tops that hide my waist, even though I should always define it. And I like to wear flats, even though I'm only 5'0"! *gasp*
|A skinny jean wearing moment from the other day. I think I look great.|
I haven't got anything against being skinny or tall. In fact, it would probably be quite nice being able to fit pants without taking them up, or wearing tops with buttons that don't gape. Or especially to wear clothes that don't bunch at the back from having too short a torso. However, God didn't make me to be skinny or tall. I want to love the body I have been given, in all its squishiness and needing to stand on tiptoe and pushing to the front of photos so people can see me (I love always being at the front!).
This love that I have for my own body is something I want to share with others. It's more important to love your mind and heart, of course, but I think body love is quite closely related to mind love. It's hard to love how you look without having healthy self-esteem, which starts in the mind. And the more I love my body, the more I love my mind because I start to see that just as I didn't choose my body, my mind also was a gift from God that I get to explore, not a creation of my own that I should nitpick because my work wasn't good enough. And in turn I gain a greater appreciation of God because I see myself as a unique work of art rather than a mass-produced items with faults.
|I like this skirt because it doesn't hide my little "tummy pouch" and I look great in it.|
|This outfit was created around my shoes and the theme was boldness. Extra bold because I wore my wig to work (first time out of the house).|
|I think I am beautiful <3|
For several years now I've waited for a passion of some kind that will drive a career or something. I love God but there are lots of different ways to express that love and other than dancing I've never really had anything that interests me long-term. A passion for encouraging the self-esteem of others is growing in me now, though. I have to wait quite some time to find out if it's lasting, but my interest in bras, bucking society's expectations and wanting people to love themselves and each other is definitely strong.
I think I am beautiful and I want others to think they are too.