Monday, 27 February 2012

Ohai, I (might) Have Depression

I often tell people I have depression; whether this is technically true or not I'm not sure, as I've never actually been diagnosed with clinical depression. This is because I am too cheap and lazy to see a doctor. It's also because I'm scared that if I do go to the doctor they'll tell me that I don't have depression and that I am, in fact, totally normal.

That seems like a strange thing to be afraid of, right?

Right.

The reason for that strange fear is that a lot of the time I don't like my life. There's nothing actually wrong with it: I have a loving, supportive and pretty cool family; I am an attractive person; I have a relationship with God that is growing, even if sometimes it's growing by way of sucking; I have good friends who care for me and entertain me; I'm relatively outgoing and friendly; I have two meaningful jobs and am by no means poor because of still living at home. Despite all that, there are many days when I wake up and wish I hadn't, or days when I'm afraid to go to sleep because then tomorrow will come sooner. It may be that it is totally normal to experience that, and if it is I am sorry that everyone else also experiences those feelings and thoughts regularly. If it is normal, though, then I see myself as having less of a chance of escaping those feelings and thoughts, whereas if I see it as depression - an illness - then it can be fought. Perhaps that's irrational, but it's there nonetheless. As long as it is there, I'll probably avoid an official diagnosis unless I can be absolutely sure that I will be diagnosed as having depression.

Another reason I haven't been diagnosed is that I'm not really sure how it would help me if I was. Since I currently view myself as having depression, I treat myself as though I do. I'm very aware of the power of self-talk and I employ a variety of methods to make sure it's positive - such as expressing my fears/thoughts regularly on this blog, to close friends and to my mother, attempting to accurately and regularly document my feelings and thoughts in a journal, collecting verses/quotes/scenarios that uplift me, reading to expand my view of the world and being as aware as possible of the lies I tell myself and how I respond to the lies others tell me. Being diagnosed would potentially bring me into contact with more resources to help refine or add to those methods, but usually the internet is pretty sufficient there. Medication is not something I ever want for myself, as I'm not keen on altering my body's natural state if I don't need to. Counselling isn't really necessary for me any more because being a youth leader and a youth worker involves a lot of my peers and mentors checking up on me quite often (I had a lot of counselling in high school though due to no one else wanting to listen to me talking to and about myself for hours).

Anyway! That was all just a preface to say "hey, my work as a youth worker is very stressful and difficult for me, which brings on wanting to stop existing rather than going to a high school and interacting with teenagers, but has the added effect of making me not want to do anything except eat pre-packaged food and read every single book written by Tamora Pierce (up to the second last, by the way)".

In the meantime, the fact that I'm even writing a blog post shows that tonight I am successfully fighting the apathy urge. I couldn't think of anything to write, so I decided to write about the reason I couldn't think of anything to write. I also have less exciting outfits these days because working at school and having no car are combining to require more practical outfits that are not going to inspire any lustful thoughts in 15 year old boys. I also feel weird dressing up to be at school, which I might want to work on later, since I don't see why I have to look more "relatable" when I have pink and blue hair and facial piercings.

If you read that whole post, congratulations! Your reward is two photos of a delectable mushroom pie I made, one photo of a fairly typical school day and two photos of a church day.

I made this! It was my first pie ever. It was also completely amazingly delicious and made me so proud I could burst. (However, it wasn't my recipe. I'm not that great xD).

Seriously delicious. The white stuff is cream cheese, which is a good addition. I had too much regular cheese though.
In hindsight, doing my shoes the whole way up did not flatter my legs. In fact, I'm not sure if those pants flatter me at all. They are comfy though.
I have a dress that's not black or otherwise dark! It's a $5 miracle.
Awww yeah.

2 comments:

  1. It must took a lot of courage to share this post with the world. Sometimes our moods are funny, strange and mysterious like that. Emotions and feelings come and gone. It's not about how much we have or what we have. I am positive that even those who got it all sometimes experience depression. I've gone through days as you described, wondering what could be wrong--I got a loving and supportive husband, a very caring family, great friends...a very good life...yet, why do I sometimes feel so down? I learned that it's okay to feel this way sometimes and those feelings could have nothing to do with me. It could be hormonal changes. I've learned to separate my emotions from myself because my emotions aren't always "me". Sometimes I need to remind myself that there is a rainbow on the other end of the tunnel. I just need to focus on what I am doing. This is just temporary. Wishing you the very best.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you very much for the encouragement, Laces and Shades. I find that it gets easier over time because I learn more about how to deal with my feelings and stay positive. Thanks for visiting my blog, too.

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