Tuesday, 11 June 2013

Too Afraid to be Feminine (OOTD)

Two thoughts come to my mind when I think about dressing femininely: first, that I'm not very good at it because I usually feel wrong when I look "girly" and second, that I'm afraid to attempt to look feminine in case I get male attention for it.

I get male attention pretty much however I look, because that is the nature of our society and in many cases, of men. I'm not really bothered by that, although I will speak up and object if I think the attention was disrespectful. I am heterosexual and want to be able to get attention from at least one guy, because I do want to get married one day. It's not the attention itself that worries me, then, but the type of attention.

It might be just in my head, but the way I look with short, dyed hair and piercings (not as many as I'd like because of my stupid sensitive body *sniff*) helps to discourage the guys who would not be interested in a girlfriend who calls God "zie" instead of "he", doesn't shave her legs or armpits, has no interest in cooking or children and wants to be able to fart around her boyfriend. It doesn't tell them all that, of course, but it does warn them that I'm not your average Christian girl (I live in a city of 400,000 and know one other Christian girl with brightly coloured hair - not that I know all the Christians in my city, but I do see a lot of them in my work).

When I think about growing my hair long, I'm kind of excited. It's been so long since it's been long that it's actually back to being a new experience for me, which I always love. I also think that I will look pretty with long hair, in a different way to how I look pretty with short hair. It is something I want, but at the same time I'm not sure I do, because I'm afraid that it will get me more attention from guys and that is something I do not want. I'm afraid of meeting someone, having him show interest in me, open up a little and then have him run the other way. It has happened before - either that, or he starts trying to make me dye my hair and get rid of my piercings. I deal with that by telling and showing people my weirdness up front, so they can leave before I care. Growing my hair will take away one thing that's likely to scare boys away.

See? What guy wouldn't love that?
I feel very arrogant typing all this complaining about how much attention I get when I don't even usually get disrespectful attention, but I wonder if it's because I live in a conservative city and most of the attention stops when I tell the guy I won't have sex with him. I get frustrated and want to weird it up so much that people won't approach me unless they like weird, but I also want to wear things that make me look more conventionally pretty.



Sometimes I get bored of my usual faces.

2 comments:

  1. I'm new to reading your blog and normally wouldn't comment, but this one stuck out to me. I'm a sophomore in a small engineering college with only about 20% girls so I have gotten a LOT of attention that, while flattering, wasn't wanted because I'm in a very happy relationship. And most of the time it wasn't about sex, they just saw a girl they were attracted to and decided to give it a shot and ask me out. So far I've gotten comments ranging from "I bet you would make a really good girlfriend" (said by a wistful close acquaintance) to "I bet you're just wearing that because it makes your boobs look big" (said by a rude drunk friend about the bathing suit I wore to a luau party). I often feel like there are no guys who just want to be my friend, and since they make up the majority, I have very few close friends. So freshman year I chopped off my hair and dyed it a spectacular shade of dark purple. I started wearing jeans, T-shirts and sweats instead of dresses, blouses and shorts. And just a few months ago, I got my nose pierced (which I still adore!). But I realized pretty quickly that I still look and act extremely girly! The hair looked whimsical and fairy-like, the nose ring is delicate not edgy, and jeans and a T-shirt made me look even more like the girl-next-door. So now I'm growing my hair out and pretending the complements are from my grandma (which can be hilarious!).

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    Replies
    1. I sympathise, Katie! I studied computer programming and was one of maybe 5 women in a class of 70. It gets a bit depressing to know the guys are only so interested because you've got boobs.

      I love your way of dealing with it and I'm definitely going to try that some time. I hope you've found guys who are interested in being just friends, or that you soon will :)

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